The Proper Way to Argue

I was reminded of these simple rules recently.

Never point the finger at someone else only at yourself. You cannot change another person's actions only your own.

Never do or say anything that is not loving, helpful, and encouraging.

Look for the fault in yourself as opposed to looking for it in others.

If someone points the finger at you take the opportunity to grow as a person and hear what he or she has to say (even if said in anger). Try to understand where the person is coming from.

You can only really tell another how their action makes you feel and not what they are doing wrong. Use the words “this makes me feel ______” or “I feel__________ ”. This way you are talking about your own reaction and allows the other person to reflect on an effect of something they may have done without feeling attacked.

Remember that 90% of anger is really hurt. Remember this when examining your own anger as well as someone else’s.

Try to never make someone defensive by blaming or accusing.

Try to never become defensive if someone is telling you how your actions make him or her feel.

Don’t use the words “never” or “always” particularly when talking about the other person in a negative or accusatory way. There is nothing helpful, encouraging, or loving about this. E.g.: “You never…”.

Don’t manipulate or use passive aggressive behaviour to try to get the other person to bend to your wish. Just be upfront and lay everything on the table about how you feel.

Always humble yourself when approaching someone to address an issue. Don’t put them on the defensive. Make sure they know you are behind them with love, helpfulness, and encouragement.

Remember the simple effectiveness of telling someone how much you care and love him or her to end any such discussions.